It’s been over a week now since we sold our house and a lot of what we own [we kept our couches and vehicles and clothes.] Here are a bunch of random thoughts in no particular order as I try to process what just happened and what else is coming. The over arching theme here could probably be summed up by saying, “What the hell did I just do?”
I’m stuck between 2 worlds
World one sounds like this:
“Be responsible: pursue a career, take care of my kids, help them get into a good college so they can perpetuate the same story: job, house, kids, college, retire.”
The other world sounds like this:
“Go to places you don’t know or understand. Sell all and pursue a relationship with the Risen Christ. Trust in Him for everything. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and let Him direct your: career, finances, future, time of death, relationships…let your whole life and being be directed by Him”
There’s no philosophy that tells me this is the right thing to do, I’m simply compelled to do so. I know that in 40 years I will die. At some point I will stand before the Lord and present Him my works. What ever is done in the flesh will burn up. Whatever is done in His Spirit will remain. I really want my works to remain. I want to operate in light of eternity.
My equilibrium is way off. I’m used to knowing what type of return to expect on my investment. On earth, I invest my time for Company X and get a monetary return. I can use this money to provide shelter and food for my family. It’s tangible and comfortable and predictable.
I now have no idea what my future ‘work’ looks like. But, I’m wondering:
“Is time in worship and prayer wasted? Does God not reward those who do good and who earnestly seek Him?”
I’m fighting against the ‘doing’ spirit. This false spirit tells me something like this:
“okay, now you sold everything so you better start getting to work. Show the world why you sold everything. Do this and this, and be careful not to do this and this.”
This is called religion. It’s creeping back on me. LIfe in the Spirit is love joy and peace.
“So you want to do and do and rule and rule…well, that’s what you’ll have then” ~paraphrase of Isaiah 28
Galatians 5:22 “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
The point of my quandary is this:
I know how to work and provide for my family. I don’t know how to work for the Lord. I don’t know how to wait for His provision. I don’t know what’s my part and what’s His part. It’s confusing.
The one thing I know is that I experience His Peace in worship and prayer. This is my center and where I long to be. I don’t want to figure this life out. It’s too confusing and the way is not marked. I want to say like David:
Ps 131 I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.
Impact? What’s the point of all this?
This move has already had an impact greater than I could have imagined. I got to share my testimony and the Gospel with all of my neighbors, friends, and business contacts in 1 day. I could never have planned that. Over 300 of my close/personal contacts read my story and my testimony in 1 day. In the week since, many of my colleagues have pulled me aside to chat more about God. This is amazing. There’s no way I could do that.
Family relationships are being restored and healing is going on. This is a miracle. [seriously, I’ll have to get my wife to post her story with her family…super crazy awesome!]
Other, sillier, testimonies are: I’ve always been allergic to dogs. The people we’re staying with have a dog. In prior visits, I’ve always gotten super stuffy/sneezing after about 20 mins in their house. Since we’ve moved in, it hasn’t been a problem at all. Add to that the fact there there are 6 kids in 1 house, and no fighting. Literally. WHAT?!
The most common response we get to all this is, “so now what?” I give my pat answer: move to the city, start a ministry. But the honest truth is: I don’t know. My heart is full of questions: What if we did all this, and no ‘ministry’ comes out of it? What if I veer back towards the world and focus on homes and cars again? What if no good comes out of this? Then I’m the greatest fool. I gave up our dream house for nothing.
But, what if God is waiting for me to contend in faith for my city. What if His eyes are looking to and fro for someone to stand up for His Name? What if I could be one of those He finds? I want to be a faithful and true witness. I don’t want to surrender and give up on dreams and faith. However, I can’t go out and make my dream happen either (unless the Lord builds the house, I’ll labor in vain). My only choice is to sit in worship and prayer and wait on Him to move. I have no other option. It’s frustrating. I want to make my dreams happen. I want to work. I want to accomplish. It’s the world I’m used to. I do X,Y,Z then A,B,C happen. I’m noticing that life in the Spirit doesn’t necessarily work this way all the time. All I can do is be faithful with what He’s put in my hands now.
The song that’s mostly been on my heart lately is this one:
I’ve discovered the difference between apathy and fire is 1 small decision. Will I seek my will and comfort, or God’s heart? I admit my prayer time this past week has kinda sucked. I want to coast because I “did something for God”. In all honesty, I’m pretty scared about our future and my fear makes it difficult to approach Him in prayer. I’m thankful for His words, “There is no fear in perfect love, because perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18 My love has obviously not yet been made perfect 🙂
I want to love Him as He loves me. I have no idea what’s going on, and I have a sneaky suspicion that’s just the way God likes it.