It’s been several weeks since my last post. We’ve been dealing with lifestyle and schedule adjustments. I want to say that we’re conquering everything and Jesus is awesome, but that’d be only 1/2 true. The truth is, we’re really struggling finding our footing. It was easy to pursue Him when there was something tangible to pursue Him FOR. Now, I’m not exactly sure where we’re going or what’s next and it’s kind of like pushing a cart in mud. Nothing’s really moving anywhere, and I’m getting dirty.
I’ve been reading through the Kings and Prophets [Isaiah specifically], and I’m finding some interesting stories here to help.
2 chronicles 16:9 For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war.”
Words to King Asa and to me. 2 Chapters earlier, “Asa did good and right..he tore down Asherah and the foreign altars and commanded Judah to seek the Lord.” As a result, the Lord routed Asa’s enemies and revival sparked across the land. Prophets words were headed and all was right with the world. A few years later, Asa’s ripping off the gold and silver from the Lord’s temple to stave off further attack. He’s imprisoning his prophets and oppressing his people. I’m in danger of the same.
Comfort. The Lord gave Asa rest on every side. In that comfort, his heart grew wicked.
Isaiah 30: This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. 16 You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’ Therefore you will flee! You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’ Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
This is what I’m really, really struggling with: God wants us to trust in Him with everything. All of the time. When we do, He promises us rest and strength. When I feel rested and strong, I begin to rely on myself and less on Him.
I’ve had difficulty putting things down lately and focusing on Him. I’ve wasted time looking for new apps to organize things that are already organized and searched the internet for things I don’t even care about…all to avoid looking Him in the eye. I’m not sure where our family is going. It’s painful to think about especially during this Holiday season. Our home has been a source of Thankfulness and a place where family can gather. Will we ever have that again? Is God really for my good? Will He hurt me? What if He doesn’t show up and validate my actions? I’m scared that He won’t. I don’t want to deal with it, so I do anything else I can to avoid.
I left all to serve Him more fully, and instead I’m finding many other things to fill my time with. It’s easier to waste my time on a bazillion other things because they don’t require anything of me. They’re empty carbs. It’s easier to eat Doritos than to cook a full meal. It is not nourishment and makes you unhealthy, but it’s easy. It’s easier to waste time than invest it in prayer and worship. It’s not spiritually healthy and makes you spiritually dull, but it’s easy.
Then I get mad at myself for wasting time on foolish things. Then it turns into me trying to double my efforts to serve Him better. Then the cycle continues and before I know it, I’m trapped in a mindset of works and regret instead of Love, Joy and Peace.
Paul put it this way in Galatians 3:
You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. 2I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? 3Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?
In Repentance and Rest is my Salvation, Quietness and Trust is my Strength. Now that I’ve sold all i have, I feel like it’s up to me to carry out the rest of this journey. Why is it so difficult to Rest in His Presence? To allow Him to make His name great in my life? It’s so tempting to start doing stuff for Him. To ‘get busy with the work of the gospel’. That’s not my motivation in this journey. My motivation is simply to follow His voice. Jesus, help us [your Church] know your voice. Help us to stop ‘doing’, and start listening, waiting for you to lead.
Not to make this overly ‘spiritual’, but I do feel my personal struggles over the last month could be as a picture of the Church on a global scale. It’s hard to stop activity and listen for His heart, so I look to morality and activity to make myself feel better. In Quietness and Trust is our strength. As a Church, we lack spiritual power because we lack His Spirit. I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to wait. I’m trying to listen. I’m trying to remember the God of my Bible, how He showed Himself strong on behalf of those who loved Him and waited for Him. I want to live the stories I read about. I want to see His name made great again in our generation. I want the Kingdom to Come, on earth as it is in Heaven.
It’s my choice: Serve Him and enjoy His Peace and His Fellowship, or serve myself and reap conflict, strife, worry, fear, more flesh. I want to pick the Spirit, and when I do the rewards are so much greater. I just need His help in the moment of choosing. That moment is every minute of every day.