I’ve been mostly talking about ministry stuff lately, and haven’t really vented in a while. So…I’m going to vent now. I don’t want to talk about ‘ministry’, I just want to talk.
It’s been 1 year since my family and I sold our earthly possessions in pursuit of a dream to ‘go and make disciples’. Over the course of the past year, I have seen God move in incredible ways and I can honestly say that I feel as though I have front row seats to the Holy Spirit show. He is awesome and amazing.
Yet, I’m afraid.
I‘ve been thinking of Peter walking on the water a lot lately. You remember the story: Jesus beckons him to come out of the boat and walk on the water with him. Peter takes his eyes off of Jesus and starts to sink, then Jesus has to pick him back up.
We know the moral: “Keep you eyes on Jesus, Tim. Keep looking at Jesus. Don’t look at the waves of this world.” And stuff.
That’s all true. But this is my thought: what was Peter thinking for the few seconds as he was sinking? In my mind, Peter’s brain sounds like mine lately: “What the crap did I just do? This is impossible! What was I thinking? Why did I leave that boat? How did I think I could walk on water…I’m so stupid!” Fear, panic, anxiety, confusion, and desperation I’m sure were flooding his mind.
My family left our boat 1 year ago. We sold our home and said goodbye to our comfort and our desires. We did it for love. We fell in love with Jesus to the point where everything else became super small and time with Him became super big. Our first few steps were glorious: we witnessed several people come to faith in Christ, blessings continue with donations and God working in people’s hearts through our story. He’s provided everything we need, and we’ve always had food and shelter. We’ve been down to our last $2.17, but He’s always come through in unbelievable ways. I believe in God’s ability and intimacy way more now than I ever have before.
This is the paradox:
I know that He is able and willing. I’ve seen Him do miracles time and time again. Yet, I’m afraid. What if my next step falters? What if He stops? What if I stop? What if He lets go? What if I take my eyes off of Him? Will he abandon me for my lack of faith? How can I keep this faith up day after day after day, step after step after step on water that isn’t changing or stopping? How can I walk on water and not die? What do I know about urban ministry or construction anyway?
Maybe it’s the holidays, but I get lonesome for a home. I get lonesome for traditions and family time/space. It’s been harder to keep my eyes on Him and only Him. I want a home to call my own again. That boat of comfort is no longer in my reach. We’re now at the point in the journey where if God doesn’t provide it directly from His hand, we simply won’t have it. I have no ability in my own to accomplish anything at all, and this complete dependance on God sounds romantic (and it is) but it is also super scary at times.
For my mom and dad
I know that in the end everything will be awesome. I’m not freaking out any more than usual. The point of this blog was to document our journey and I’ve been using this space too much for ‘ministry purposes’ lately. I’m striving to be honest in this process.
So, that’s what’s up with us. Thanks to those who read and have supported us on this journey. We love you more than we could ever properly communicate. Jesus is Lord and His eyes are on us. His plans are good, but it doesn’t mean the road is always easy. We are happy and blessed to be traveling together and with you!